Packed with Emptiness

I scheduled my day in advance today, blocking out all of my work tasks on my train ride in by timed sections: calls due before 11am, follow up emails due before 1pm, process contracts before 3:30pm, prospecting due before 5pm, marketing due before 6:30pm. Within a minute or two after arriving at my desk, I begin to work steadily and focused on the time-allotted tasks. Suddenly I look at the clock and it's already 12pm. I haven't had a drink of water, gone to the bathroom, eaten a meal or even glanced out my window at the gorgeous day. I feel as though I've been holding my breath and waiting to live, to dance again. Where do I go when I lose myself in my work? How much stress am I causing myself? Where is the balance between being productive while maintaining sense of self? Sure, deep breaths help a lot IF I remember to breathe. In Zen Buddhism it can take a lifetime of practicing self awareness to bring about a higher sense of self.

I watched the Presidential Inauguration and was inspired and deeply touched by it. I was aware of myself. I took a short walk around 2:30pm to get some fresh air and a cup of tea. I was aware of myself. If I could only apply this awareness to when I'm knocking out tasks at my desk; my life would be so much juicier. Does anyone know where can I get a juicer for my life?

Weather Changes Everything

I grew up in an area of Northern California where the worst weather was a cold, hard rain storm of three days. Sure it would dampen plans of going outside and playing with my friends for hours on end but I would never find myself feeling confined to my house. Snow blizzards and ice are a much different animal. Feeling stuck indoors (and in my head) is quite a new experience for me living on the east coast where they have "real" winters. I find that it not only forces me to change my plans for the day, but teaches me to stock the refrigerator in advance. I don't get to be the spontaneous me I used to be in California. I simply don't have that luxury anymore. It's changing my attitude. I'm becoming less bubbly. I'm becoming more moody; a bit temperamental. A real bitch.

What to do? Well, I've taken up blogging, knitting, reading, cooking and watching rented movies. But what happens when I simply just crave warm sunlight? I recently took a quick business trip out to LA and was able to get my "sun fix" but found returning to the east coast far more depressing than I'd ever imagined. What a tease!

And so I find myself at a loss. There must be something out there I've yet to try: a mobile sun bubble I could ride in to and from work. Perhaps I'm just not made for this sort of cold and I should waddle my four layers of coats and jackets back to wherest I came. I truly hope Spring is just around the corner.

Unshakable Me

I've spent most of my life second-guessing myself. My insecurities have always shined through the moment someone of authority crosses my path. These people- they don't know me, but they won't hesitate to tell me what they think I should stand for. I listen. I question myself. I forget who I am. I forget what I want. I forget where I'm going. And just like that, I'm lost. Grasping for something "out there" to show me what's inside myself. Some confirmation that I'm doing it "the right way". How backwards.

And so it continues until I'm exhausted. I often have to retreat to regain focus. It is in the retreat where I can see what I've stood for all along: love. All ego, judgement and arrogance aside. I stand for love. I only wish I could be unwavering in my love. I want the balance of hearing someone else's opinion of me minus the affected outcome. I hope to go through tomorrow with an unshakable me.